R Y A N A S T O N . C O M

Welcome to the Pony Motel

2010-11-16T11:09:00.000+08:00

Busy busy busy!! But I will not let this die. Must work in regular writing into my routine. Continue to be in a transitionary period, in which other priorities take hold. Watch this space.

Thursday Rundown

2010-10-07T21:38:00.003+08:00

I need a holiday. Someday when I have the free time to keep this thing up to date as I've always intended, I'll be able to write about all the ~~stupid junk~~ great stuff I want, but for now here's the two week summary (plus others I'm sure I've completely forgotten):

Bayonetta - * * * * (out of four)
Dead Rising - * * * (out of four)
Dead Rising: Chop Til You Drop - * (out of four)
Dead Rising 2: Case Zero - * * * 1/2 (out of four)
Dead Rising 2 - * * * (out of four)
Guitar Hero: Warriors of Rock - * (out of four)
Halo: Reach - * * 1/2 (out of four)
Machete - * * * (out of four)
Metroid: Other M - Zero Stars (out of four)
The Other Guys - * * * 1/2 (out of four)
A Serbian Film - * * 1/2 (out of four)

This is hilarious, in the grand tradtion of the awesome lost kitten poster design exchange.

This is easily the best thing to come out of Halo: Reach. By far.

There's been a lot of discussion about the rising Tea Party, having emerged from the deepest, darkest, stupidest depths of America. Comprising nearly entirely of stupid, old, racist Republican morons, the inept "movement" is one of total confusion: seemingly united without a specific message or ideology or cause, they seek to represent a fictional American minority who have suspiciously, strangely appeared with the election of a black president - because they're racist idiots. Two articles inamongst many - White America Has Lost Its Mind and the superb Rolling Stone Tea and Crackers - cover the astonishing movement in all of its confusing complexity.

The Most Epic Picture of Betty White. Ever.

Bollywood has outdone itself.

For the Week of the 3rd October 2010 - 9th October 2010

Film Releases: Buried (Wide), Eat Pray Love (Wide)

Notable Video Game Releases: Enslaved: Odyssey to the West (360, PS3, PC), Comic Jumper (360)

Rock Band Releases: R.E.M. Pack 1, T. Rex Pack 1

Zero Punctuation: Halo: Reach

GUITAR HERO: WARRIORS OF ROCK REVIEW

2010-10-07T11:50:00.003+08:00

GUITAR HERO: WARRIORS OF ROCK (2010)

* (out of four)

Developed By Neversoft
Published by Activision for Xbox 360, PS3 and Wii

For the long-running Guitar Hero series the writing's been on the wall for years: despite reviving and dominating the rhythm game genre during the mid-noughties, the series has floundered pathetically into the new decade with a stubborn refusal to evolve*, leaving superior rival series Rock Band to take the rhythm game crown while the once beloved precursor dies a sad, miserable death. With the upcoming Rock Band 3, developer Harmonix (the company who originally developed Guitar Hero) have evolved their groundbreaking series even further, offering a new instrument (the keyboard) as well as promising instrument tutorials in the form of a "pro" mode, using a real guitar, keyboard and drumkit to teach how to play the actual instruments through their game. In a morose attempt to distance themselves from this, Guitar Hero: Warriors of Rock goes the other direction, introducing a pitiful Brutal Legend-lite story mode which makes no sense alongside their sadly series-traditional poor gameplay and setlist.

For the uninitiated, Guitar Hero: Warriors of Rock is a rhythm game in which players simulate playing the guitar, base, drumkit or vocals from their choice of 93 songs, with difficulty ranging from Beginner to Expert+. The distinguishing feature from Rock Band and previous entries in the series is Quest Mode, in which players assume the role of several characters completing a story as disinteresting as it is poorly written: in order to save the Demigod of Rock, eight characters must be recruited to take on a mechanised creature called The Beast. The player must acquire these characters from venues playing parts of the setlist awkwardly aligned to the characters, and gameplay is changed introducing "powers" that each character has, changing the score and gameplay in mostly meaningless ways like additional multipliers.

Aside from further widening the gap between this series and Rock Band, the Quest Mode goes against the entire point of rhythm games, which is simply to "play" the songs that you like: because songs are unlocked through this campaign, much of the music is cut off until the mode is completed. Forcing a barrier to playing songs from the setlist whilst excluding "cheats" to unlock all songs and play "No Fail" is an awful design choice. Further, pressing through the entire campaign is an arduous task due to the mass of unlistenable music on offer; whereas the upcoming Rock Band 3's broad setlist offers something for everyone, Warriors of Rock offers little for anyone. The setlist is padded out with unlistenable garbage no one in their right mind has ever heard of, with even better and known songs, such as Muse's Uprising and Nine Inch Nail's Wish, implemented in a way that they are not fun to play. This is really compounded by something like Queen's Bohemian Rhapsody, in which the piano parts are awkwardly forced onto guitar - better just to wait for Rock Band 3 which features the song with an actual keyboard to play. In fact nearly any song on offer that you'd want to play is already available in the rival series, which took the much smarter move of making each non-band-specific game a platform rather than an entry into the series: Rock Band 2 allowed the import of all of the original Rock Band music in addition to literally thousands of downloadable songs available through DLC and the Rock Band Network. With Warriors of Rock, the issues with exporting songs from the previous games (why licence only a dozen songs from an 80-song game?) means anyone unfortunate enough to have fallen prey to this series instead of jumping onto the Rock Bandwagon is stuck with what amounts to a pitiful selection of songs, most of which suck.

Beyond this, Warriors of Rock suffers from the same issues as the last few games in the series. Anyone with an expensive audio-visual set up will be frustrated by the fact that Guitar Hero's calibration system does not work, keeping the same moronic manual set-up that demands the player to input the approx amount of lag there might be between controller and TV. (Tip: use the values that Rock Band's automatic callibration outputs.) The difficulty of the game is entirely broken: whereas Beginner is impossible to fail, Expert+ is basically impossible, falsifying difficulty featuring notes that aren't actually there. The system is unbalanced in that there's no way to grow as a player from Beginnner through to Expert+, unlike the perfect difficulty in Rock Band that introduces new players and allows them to grow through to a one-to-one Expert difficulty, that just makes sense.

For what little it's worth, the online multiplayer works fine and the graphics look just as good as you'd expect from a high budget title. But there's no getting around the fact that Guitar Hero: Warriors of Rock is awful, and awful enough to end the series. Any benefits and goodwill earnt from the surprisingly competent but lackluster Guitar Hero 5** are squandered due to inexcusable design choices and the ongoing refusal to progress and grow. Yes, every other sentence in this review makes a comparison to Rock Band, but there's no way around that: Guitar Hero: Warriors of Rock is inferior in every way to its competitor and it doesn't sadden me to see it kill the series. My happy memories of the first three games will not be tarnished, rather complimented by the natural evolution that has made Rock Band the amazing and groundbreaking juggernaut that it is.

* It's possible, maybe even highly likely, that without the substantial popularity and subsequent threat that the Rock Band series presented other instruments may never have been added to the Guitar Hero franchise.

** It might be worth noting that Guitar Hero 5's surprise popularity mostly arose from the fact that it didn't suck nearly as hard as Guitar Hero World Tour.

Thursday Rundown

2010-10-01T14:20:00.000+08:00

Forth Quarter. 3, 2, 1, GO

Atheists and agnostics more about religion than believers. There's a surprise. Louis CK also has a valuable lesson to teach us about the Catholic Church.

This is a news website article about a scientific paper.

Sally Menke died earlier this week. Quentin Tarantino's editor and collaborator since he began filmmaking, it's incredibly sad to see and read about their partnership, especially the nice way he and his actors would greet her through the footage, for only her to see while in editing. Bye, Sally.

Watch this.

And this.

Also - this is incredibly cute.

7 Essential Skills You Didn't Learn in College

For the Week of the 26th September 2010 - 2nd October 2010

Film Releases: Dinner for Schmucks (Wide), Legend of the Guardians: The Owls of Ga'Hoole (Wide)

Notable Video Game Releases: Guitar Hero: Warriors of Rock (Wii, 360, PS3), Spider-Man: Shattered Dimensions (Wii, 360, PS3, DS), Hydrophobia (360)

Rock Band Releases: Anthrax Pack 1 (Among the Living, I'm the Man, Indians, Madhouse, Metal Thrashing Mad), My Chemical Romance - I'm Not Okay (I Promise), My Chemical Romance - Welcome to the Black Parade, 30 Seconds to Mars - Closer to the Edge, Atreyu - Coffin Nails, Buckcherry - Out of Line, The Doobie Brothers - Listen to the Music, The Doobie Brothers - Long Train Runnin

Zero Punctuation: Amnesia: The Dark Descent

TOMORROW, WHEN THE WAR BEGAN REVIEW

2010-09-23T17:47:00.001+08:00

TOMORROW, WHEN THE WAR BEGAN (2010)

* 1/2 (out of four)

Starring Caitlin Stasey, Rachel Hurd-Wood, Lincoln Lewis
Based on the novel by John Marsden
Written and directed by Stuart Beattie

Keeping the grand dream of bad Australian filmmaking alive is Stuart Beattie's horrible Tomorrow, When the War Began, a sad adaptation of John Marsden's smart young adult bestseller that sacrifices realism and poetry to make an action film, and a crap one at that. The worst person for the job short of Michael Bay or Brett Ratner, Beattie's directorial debut takes his horrible writing as the Word of God and exchanges Marsden's affecting dialogue for the kind of quips and one liners only ever heard in movies, meanwhile chipping away at nuance and subtlety and character making way for broad obvious stereotypes and broad obvious action sequences, simultaneously ensuring none are believable, engaging or effective. Consider that the only decent films on Beattie's résumé - Collateral and Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl - are handled by great directors (Michael Mann and Gore Verbinski respectively) with no qualms about changing or completely rewriting Beattie's junk; leaving his scripts intact results in The Messengers, Australia, or, heaven forbid, G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra.

A vaguely promising opening introduces its talented young multicultural cast led by farmgirl Ellie (Caitlin Stasey) planning a camping trip to untouched Australian outback valley (termed "Hell") with greek troublemaker Homer (Deniz Akdeniz, too good for this shit), freshly-popped childhood BFF Corrie (Rachel Hurd-Wood) and her idiot boyfriend Kevin (Lincoln Lewis), token rich girl Fiona (Phoebe Tonkin), token Christian Robyn (Ashleigh Cummings, the only actor in the bunch who looks the right age) and token Asian stereotype Lee (Chris Pang). Take special note of that last one: Lee will be playing the role of the Magical Negro in this here shitstorm, acting stoic while gathering firewood for the group, magically recovering from a gunshot wound, and saving Ellie from a fucking CG snake. The Australian Real Cancun is broken by the sounds of military aircraft as Marsden's unidentified invaders (Gooks!) take over their hometown, nearly derelict upon return. (What should be a difficult scene involving the discovery of a starved-to-death dog in an empty home is instead brief and quickly forgotten about.) As the reality of an opposing military invasion sets in, the teenagers come to realise that no where is safe, and that they must fight - and kill - to survive.

The events in Tomorrow make little sense: despite declaring that their town is swarming with soldiers and shouldn't be navigated during the day for fear of capture, Ellie and friends move about the town during the day whenever the plot requires it. Both a late night reconnaissance into enemy territory and a ludicrus chase in a garbage truck (that costs several soldiers their lives) end suddenly with our heroes apparently teleported to safety, and each kill is commented upon with strange, amused shock and awe, which feels completely alien. (Beattie's film is so bereft of actual emotion that after Ellie murders several young soldiers and stares into the face of a dead girl no older than herself, narration needs to kick in to explain what happened and how she'll remember it for the rest of her life - apparently a shorter time than the film, which forgets it nearly instantly.) So inept is Beattie's film that characters rarely emote but never stop explaining how they feel, which is often total nonsense. (This is especially repellent in a scene where isolated stoner Chris (Andy Ryan) describes finding the bodies of his neighbours - and their dead infant - alongside jokes about how wasted he is.) Ditto an excruciating pop-rock soundtrack that fits Act I but then doesn't stop, nullifying realism and seriousness whilst colliding with the headache-inducing sounds of everything blowing up, rendering the film possibly more defeaning than this year's idiot-explosion-fest The Expendables. It ends with a hysterical shot of the teenagers armed to the teeth with rocket launchers and machine guns from, somewhere, I guess, before coasting into a music video sequence that shouldn't exist.

The original intention of Marsden's Tomorrow series was to demonstrate the author's optimistic idea of today's youth being able to take responsibility and action in the face of something as horrific as war, to demonstrate courage and maturity in the way that most Western societies no longer require or demand, especially on home turf here shaken to the point where "things will never be the same again". Despite that latter mantra being repeated throughout Beattie's vapid film, never once does it grasp the point, reducing loaded and thoughtful material to petty teenage drama and action fodder. Consider that Marsden's smart decision never to identify the invading force is undermined here by a blanket grouping of "Asians," which Beattie attempts to make up for by having the dimwitted Kevin spout rubbish about the country invading being irrelevant. Bullshit. In a better film, perhaps. (A rare moment of self-aware defeatism has Corrie declaring a book she's reading is "Better than the movie," to which Ellie responds "Books usually are." Again, bullshit. A good adaptation that uses the material to take on themes and ideas can be just as potent as the source material, occasionally even better - consider Charlaine Harris' unreadable Southern Vampire Mysteries that spawned Alan Ball's fascinating series True Blood, or David Yates' adapation of Rowling's overlong meandering Harry Potter and the Order of Phoenix.) Any kind of subtext is lost in the film's complete cluelessness, be it infantile decisions to frame guerilla attacks alongside discussions about "boys", or insipid monologues about the nature of murder and religion; imagine this material given the respect it arguably deserves as a HBO miniseries, in the Generation Kill vein, instead of this tripe. Fans should be furious: stillborn and a guarenteed international failure, Tomorrow, When the War Began deserved better.

Thursday Rundown

2010-09-23T14:15:00.000+08:00

For the Week of the 19th September 2010 - 25th September 2010

Film Releases: Charlie St. Cloud (Wide), Diary of a Wimpy Kid (Wide), The Girl Who Played With Fire (Festival), Wall Street: Money Never Sleeps (Wide)

Notable Video Game Releases: Dead Rising 2 (PC, 360, PS3), Sid Meier's Civilization V (PC), Test Drive Unlimited 2 (PC, 360, PS3)

Rock Band Releases: Bob Marley & The Wailers - Legend (Full Album)

Zero Punctuation: Metroid Other M

Gangbangs of New York

2010-09-20T14:04:00.000+08:00

Halo Reach finished, review forthcoming. I honestly spent most of the time yearning to spend more time with Dead Rising, an insane game that has grown on me the more I've played it. Case in point: I've completed the main storyline and seen maybe 75% of everything the game has to offer, and have restarted the game several times retaining character intact; the last time I restarted my character had been kidnapped by cultists who stole all of my items and clothes. After escaping, I put on a Servbot head from a toy store and ran around basically naked except for the Servbot head - which I've restarted the game with. All of the dramatic cutscenes lose their effect when your face wears only this delightful expression, slowly turning to the camera. Also, there's a nifty reverence for this game in the current Left 4 Dead series, which included this as an Easter Egg (alongside an Achievement for killing one zombie more than the infamous Zombie Genocide Achievement, which demanded 53,594 zombie kills - the same number of residents in the fictional setting).

If you have even the slightest fear of heights, I don't recommend watching this amazing video of workmen climbing over seventeen thousand feet to the top of a radio transmission tower. Definitely put it in full screen.

This past week the Pope has emerged from "his cave in the Vatican and is offending his way across the UK," leading to not only thousands of believers coming out, but also thousands of the enlightened. Check out this awesome shot of Ian McKellan from the London anti-Pope march, or, even better, this magnificent speech by Richard Dawkins at the papal protest.

On a similar note, this adventure to the Creationist Museum in the USA is great - I love all of the educational notices: Why bother with all that complicated science when you really know that God did it all?

Many people aren't aware of how serious Starcraft is in Korea - this article covers it pretty nicely. (Summary: it's crazy.) It also includes the now-infamous APM demonstration video.

This should make you happy.

Forget Fiddy's closeted homosexual Twitter account - Andrew WK is what you need to be reading.

Finally, this terrific analysis of the Australian anti-sexting ads is completely on the ball. It's unpleasant and demeaning and doesn't touch on the actual problem at all.

Thursday Rundown

2010-09-16T14:25:00.001+08:00

MORE LIKE FAIL-O

In case you didn't know, Halo Reach came out Tuesday. I love the series (ODST excepted) for both combat and storytelling, and I'm partway through the Reach campaign, which is something of a complete mess. Here's my experience:

There's little introduction as to the characters or scenario, with most of the storytelling delivered through dialogue that you cannot hear due to the sounds of explosions and gunfire. Turning on the subtitles only turns them on during cut scenes, in which they're out of sync.
Whenever there's a lot of stuff onscreen the framerate drops, sometimes to the point of unplayability. The framerate in cut scenes is also terrible. Stop motion Halo.
These new Spartans appear to be made of polystyrene: they die, and die, and die, frequently, for reasons you will not know about and cannot avoid. Their weapons also border on being completely useless, especially against the now-nearly-invincible Elites.
These Spartans are also retarded. The enemy AI might have been improved, but your compadres are idiots. They rarely seem interested in engaging the enemy and a couple of times I've seen them stuck spinning around (the Kane & Lynch effect). At one point, when being attacked by two enormous nearly-invincible Hunters, I jumped into the back of a Warthog and returned fire, to which my nearby Noble Team member Kat jumped into the driver's seat and drove off a cliff, killing us both. Halfway down, the game autosaved, so that upon dying the game reloaded and we were falling down the cliff again. And again. And again.
That save system is shot if you try to save the game between missions: if you save and leave, when you come back to reload the game it'll skip the pre-mission cut scene, which you want to view so you know what the devil is going on, which you wont be able to see unless you play the last part of the previous mission again. During the campaign, these cut scenes are not saved in the Theater.
The game includes a new feature in terms of "Armor Abilities," in which you choose a single additional skill to use in battle. These include jetpacks and special shields, which are useful to varying degrees; one of these abilities is "Sprint", because the ability to run is magical in the Halo universe. Anyway, because of the stupidly large numbers of enemies the game expects you to engage with no weapons, it's often easier just to sprint past the enemies to the next checkpoint, causing all the enemies behind you to disappear. You'll run around without your teammates for a while, but they teleport to you after a bit, running like they were there the whooooole time (which is especially hilarious if they charge out of a wall).
One of these teammates is named Jorge, who everyone calls "George" instead of the right goddamn pronounciation motherf^$!@#^~$^&~$&!%$&

All that said, I am enjoying Halo Reach; some of the story moments are well executed and when the combat works, it's great fun. The highlight so far is a great mission in space, which reminded me of the great Star Fox games for SNES/N64. I'm also assured the multiplayer is excellent, and I'll take to it when I finish the campaign. And I got to set my icon as a cat with a bow tie. Unfortunately it is all far from the mindblowing experience I found Halo 3 to be.

SafeNow: What To Do In An Emergency. An oldie, but a goodie, with several I hadn't seen before!

Valve have released the first awesome part of their Left 4 Dead comic, The Sacrifice - go read it now!!

Here's a man eating 22 live scorpions.

And here's the best cake ever made.

BWOOOOOOOOOOOMB

For the Week of the 12th September 2010 - 18th September 2010

Film Releases: Cats and Dogs: The Revenge of Kitty Galore (Wide), Easy A (Wide), I'm Still Here (Festival), The Last Airbender (Wide)

Notable Video Game Releases: Halo Reach (360)

Rock Band Releases: Dio - Holy Diver, Dio - Stand Up and Shout, Juliana Hatfield - Nirvana, Morrissey - Irish Blood, English Heart, Silverchair - Straight Lines, The Smiths - This Charming Man, Underoath - Writing on the Walls

Zero Punctuation: Mafia II

A few words on atheism and agnosticism

2010-09-13T14:28:00.001+08:00

It's shaping up to be another busy week, but I wanted to get in early with a few words on atheism and agnosticism, and also repost a few excellent articles from the past week. The anniversary of 9/11 came loaded with plenty of anger, religious intolerance and general stupidity from across the globe, particularly surrounding the Koran-burning controversy best summarised here:

To quote PZ Myers, there's no better way to deal with this than laughter, and he should know: in response to a serious (and insane - death threats insane) lashback against a student for supposedly "defacing the holy Eucharist", he publicly defaced a communion cracker as well as ripped-out pages of the "holy" Qur'an and Richard Dawkin's The God Delusion. The point being that none of these items are genuinely magical or holy - neither the Judeo-Christian nor Abrahamic God swooped down to kill PZ for his misstep - and that while we should respect other's right to believe whatever they want to believe in, we ourselves do not have to respect the belief. Especially not when said belief thrives upon hatred and discrimination, finds science and intelligence appalling, and is used as a case for war, genocide, honour killings and general abuse of one's fellow man.

Myers sums it up perfectly in his recent Sunday Sacrilege: Respect is not the same as obedience. He has repeatedly defended people's rights to believe in whatever religion they believe in, like Dawkins, believing that education is the only real way to combat the illogical. There's good reason why the Ivory Tower is populated by atheists over theists.

I am not an atheist. I am agnostic - that is to say that I do not know whether there is or is not a supreme being, a creator, a Gaia mother earth, whatever. I am atheistic about the Judeo-Christian God (Jehovah) and all of the Abrahamic Gods, in the same way that most people are atheistic about Zeus and the Flying Spaghetti Monster. (Although if asked about my religion I will refer to myself as a Pastafarian.) Just as Richard Dawkins says, "We are all atheists about most of the gods humanity has ever believed in. Some of us just go one god further." Dawkins also talks about atheism and agnosticism on a scale, with himself falling on the most extreme side of agnosticism without being entirely atheistic, because we cannot truly know if there is indeed a supreme being or not. Likely we will still not know, even in death. So be it. It isn't rational to write off the notion completely, especially on the nonsensical descriptions penned thousands of years ago in "holy books." ("As intelligent people and scientists, if we were to look up in the sky and see a message written in the stars that says "I am here," we would be foolish to ignore it.") I feel that this is the only rational position to take.

Religion, like politics and genetic disease, tends to be passed from parent to child. Religion also tends to negate any kind of criticism, and being built entirely on evidence-free "unquestionable" mythology, that makes sense. There's no scientific way to refute the unscientific, and you can't logically argue about something with no logic. Theism breeds comfort in the unknown, it breeds community, and it keeps those ill-minded in line with negative reinforcement concepts like Hell. It can also breed charity and good will (though these are usually only on the terms of the religion - few churchgoers go on missions to the third world without a Bible in hand to preach to those who'd better use food and water than a good fire'n'brimstoning). But it also breeds discrimination, anti-intellectualism, hatred, misogny, homophobia, abuse, so on so on. It also very blatantly lies. "Holy documents" like the Bible are far from being historical, factual texts, and yet they are treated as such, especially by those who study Theology, a subject that wouldn't be a waste of time if it genuinely explored the Bible, for example reading the Adam and Eve story subtextually to see how milleniua of misogny and hatred of women's sexuality has been supported by concepts like Original Sin and Eve's seduction by the phallic-symbol of a snake, instead of accepting Genesis as fact and "going from there".

Much of the Bible is complete garbage, ditto the Koran, and believers seem to know this: they don't follow every single law and idea within their holy books. Few follow Deuteronomy 22:28-29, for example, in which God forces rape victims to marry their abusers, nor Leviticus 19:19, in which one cannot wear clothes of mixed fibres. Most do not believe that people with flat noses are doomed to burn in Hell regardless of their lives (Leviticus 21:17-1) and most people believe that you can shave or cut your hair without fear of Hellish reprisal (Leviticus 19:27). I could go on for a long, long, long time.

Believers seem to be unaware that their belief systems are entirely coincidental: it just so happens that they were born in a specific place and a specific time and thus happened to take on the religion around them. American die-hard Christians would be die-hard Muslims if they were born in Iraq instead. Just as faith has no rational basis, neither do their beliefs. (Paul Schrader commented on the problem of faith-based religions: "They can say to you, for instance, that women have three breasts. And when you line up 100 women and show them that they only have two breasts, they still say that women have three breasts because they were told it in a dream. And there's nothing you can do about that.") That said, I honestly do believe that people can believe in such nonsense if they want to. The line in which that freedom terminates is where people decide it is ok for them to harm others based on their beliefs. That isn't just limited to physical violence: that is also not allowing people equal rights, or cutting off anyone's access to surgery/healthcare etc. Forcing people to believe something is not going to work ever: this is why the Mormon's and JW's and the like who I encounter on a Sunday morning at my door (who I greet in my wheelchair and then leap to my feet screaming "It's a miracle!!") are wasting their time. Education is the only way people will change: rational belief conquers the irrational. We want to live by the the concept of freedom: it can take many many years to combat religious brainwashing (especially in regards to concepts like Hell, which are extremely psychologically damaging) but in understanding reality, and why people believe, and why religion thrives, one is truly free, much freer than anyone who has fallen prey to unquestioned religious beliefs.

Thursday Rundown

2010-09-09T13:26:00.001+08:00


IT SURE IS

After undergoing the agony that was the movie I took it upon myself to read the Scott Pilgrim graphic novels, an incredibly long, painful, tedious slog. I'd say that the series - spanning over a thousand pages of awful, lazy drawing (it's fair to say basically every character looks identical aside from their hair/glasses, and whether or not they're Asian) and awful, lazy dialogue ("I don't want you anymore. It doesn't mean I don't love you." Logic!) with awful, lazy plotting - was adapted as a film accurately. The casting - Michael Cera aside - is perfect, and the film perfectly captures the smug, "hipster" nihilistic tone that makes the whole franchise feel truly pathetic. Some other thoughts from the six-part epic:
The comics are, at least initially, well aware of how flimsy the relationship between Scott and Ramona actually is. (There are occasional running gags drawing attention to the fact that little is actually known about Ramona's character, who is "fleshed out" just to be as one-dimensional and irritating as Scott is as the series continues.)
It is nice that some explanation is given for how and why the fights occur in this universe, something that just happened in the film and subsequently was never made clear as to whether they were real or metaphorical or whatever. It's also nice to have some background as to minor characters like Kim before they're made the exact same flimsy one-dimensional tosspots that the writer is apparently limited to.
The homophobia is pretty despicable and worse than in the film, with the fact that Wallace is gay both a joke on Wallace and a joke on Scott for bedding with him, but this was to be expected; more juvenille is that the word "gay" is so prominently used as a slanderous term. Gay this, gay that - what are we, 13? I thought we were well past that, people!
Knives is treated somehow worse in the graphic novels; ignoring the fact that Asian people are drawn without eyes, suggesting that they are the truly soulless beasts that they actually are, Knives gets every whimsical Asian stereotype possible (peace sign!!) before coming to terms with Scott as the human garbage he is then dropping off the face of the Earth. All part and parcel with the contrived, nonsensical, meaningless conclusion that the flotsam deserves.
Artist/writer/idiot Bryan Lee O'Malley didn't really plan ahead, as is evident in reading it in its entirity all at once. It's confusing and preposterous, no doubt, with frequent asides that add nothing to any element of the story, and filmgoers are lucky that much of the meandering junk was jettisoned for the leaner-yet-still-never-ending movie. Any subtext about the fights - or the series in general - being about overcoming a partner's baggage and/or relationship history is obvious and lackluster at best (and never ever rings true - everyone magically "getting over" everyone else in the final volume whilst pulling weapons out of their hearts is moronic) or is just entirely nonexistant. (Best not to mention the strange events that are quickly completely forgotten about, like various lesbian turns and characters that just disappear.) It plays like the Bold and the Beautiful for the "tragically hip," patting themselves on the back for getting all the references. O'Malley's avatar Scott Pilgrim is a reprehensible character and his applauded nature says a lot to me about the fans.
I also want to note that I'm flabberghasted people like the above Mr Whedon have been so taken with it all, and that I'm disappointed Edgar Wright took it upon himself to dedicate (waste) years to adapt it. With that I close the book on Scott Pilgrim and never wish to speak of it again. (Hahahahahahahahaha!!)

Science!

Last week I looked at a lot of different horror movies and games, yet nothing I experienced came close to the horror of reading this Vanity Fair piece on Sarah Palin. Somehow, this immature, scatterbrained, childish, simplistic moron has found popularity as a political (and religious) figurehead, many believing she actually has a shot at the presidency come 2012. Startling and terrifying - at least we Australians have safely dodged the Abbott bullet for now. On a related topic, Roger Ebert wrote this excellent discussion of gay marriage in the current political climate, drawing attention to one of many disappointing elements of Barack Obama.

Much overblown ado about Stephanie Rice's "homophobic slur" on Twitter - let's turn the attention away to more deserving recipients, like Complete Fucktard 50 Cent, whose homophobic Twitter remarks have incited backlash and disgust and also happen to be genuine, unlike Rice's temporary moment of stupid. In fact Fiddy's embarrassing Twitter account has spawned a hilarious companion account - "Queen's English 50c" - in which his incoherent offensive nonsense is translated for people actually literate. (None of whom would be Fiddy fans, I'd wager.)

How Bacon is Made

I'm a big fan of a particular genre of video game driven by the idea of giving the player an unusual, affecting experience, often one unique to the medium. This week I had a look at Passage, a short and thoughtful indie game that's only 5 minutes long but has considerable artistic merit. (After playing it, read the Creator's Statement - I don't necessarily agree with the all of underlying ideas he's putting across but I appreciate the originality and attempt.) In a similar though entirely different gameplay vein the upcoming Solace looks intriguing.

Duckytime!

Is this the reason children today are so stupid? 50 Cent can't take all the blame, after all.

For the Week of the 5th September 2010 - 11th September 2010

Film Releases: Despicable Me (Wide), Please Give (Festival), The Disappearance of Alice Creed (Festival), The Other Guys (Wide), The Sorcerer's Apprentice (Wide)

Notable Video Game Releases: Kingdom Hearts: Birth by Sleep (PSP)

Rock Band Releases: Snoop Dogg 01

Zero Punctuation: Kane & Lynch 2: Dog Days

MON-

2010-09-06T13:20:00.004+08:00

Let's start the week off with a laugh: Hahahahahahahahahhaahahahhaahahahahaahaa!!!

Keeping this party going: CAPTCHArt is hilarious, and if you only click one link from this post, make it this one!

This retort from PZ Myers to a babbling Creationist idiot offended by science and logic is hilarious - Pharyngula has become a daily must-read for me. Should I be surprised that Myers knows what /b/ is? Also - Christianity in 12 seconds.

The video content produced by The Onion over the past few years is absolutely sensational - this is a classic, Denmark's new tourism advertising by Lars von Trier.

More comedy with the next 30 years of Ghostbusters 3 Production Updates.

My Little Solid Snake fulfills all of your hopes and dreams.

Thursday Rundown

2010-09-02T14:22:00.000+08:00

Bleh, busy busy busy, so unbelievably stupidly busy. New office, new responsibilities, not enough time. Quick rundown for the day, and no time to post about anything I've watched or played (Piranha 3-D, Halo 3 ODST, X-Men Origins Wolverine (the game, not the shitty movie) Dead Rising 2 Case Zero, I Stand Alone, The Chaser, list goes on).

20 Things I've Learned From Traveling Around the World for Three Years - this is an excellent little read.

Hungover owls. Great website, or greatest website?

Farewelling At The Movies once and for all, this timeline is a great recap of the series from its humble beginnings. Another great tribute is here, featuring some of their most famous reviews. On a tangent, Roger Ebert wrote this excellent article on the "Ground Zero mosque" stupidity, and also on the Ebert front, see how many of his 100 Great Moments in Movies you recognise. It's an excellent list.

This pre-Empire interview with Mark Hamill and Harrison Ford is an amazing time capsule - watch Harrison Ford "shh" Mark Hamill when he mentions the word "sister" in Clip #2 at about 1:50.

Ghostbusters Lego Diorama. Excellence.

For the Week of the 29th August 2010 - 4th September 2010

Film Releases: Going the Distance (Wide), Leaving (Festival), The Kids Are Alright (Festival), Tomorrow, When the War Began (Wide)

Notable Video Game Releases: Dead Rising 2 Case Zero (360)

Rock Band Releases: Going Country Pack 4

Pizza of the Week: Deep Pan, Tomato Sauce, Mozarella Cheese, Roast Chicken Breast, Onion, Salami, Jalapeño Chillis, Chilli Flakes

Zero Punctuation: -

Two Great, Unique Horror Experiences

2010-08-30T10:18:00.000+08:00

Nightmare House 2

I'm a huge fan of horror games, with the first three entries into the Silent Hill series up there as some of my favourite games ever, alongside other classics like Sanitarium. With this in mind, it's disappointing that the genre has descended into mostly innocuous action-crossover fare like Dead Space and Silent Hill Homecoming. Enter the independent scene and the freshly released Nightmare House 2, a free mod for the most recent Source SDK that puts players in what appears to be the mental ward of the world's worst abandoned hospital and begins a tense three-hour fight for survival, with no escape.

It's a clever single player experience full of neat techniques and ideas to unsettle (there will always be something just out of the corner of your eye) without resorting to screamers, and although the plot is thin there are enough smart twists to keep the experience interesting across the running time. The original, awful, buggy Nightmare House is included as a "prologue" but can quickly be skipped (better to watch a YouTube Let's Play than bother with it yourself). Some sequences are unfortunately lifted wholesale from other popular horror games like F.E.A.R. and Condemned, and it's only about the same length as Portal (fizzling out towards the end and "borrowing" an anti-climatic final boss) but for a free game it's inventive and scary, and it's better than a lot of paid horror games currently available. It's also got this bizarre thing hidden in it. Download from the official website here (330mb installer).

The Dionea House

Also utilizing a non-traditional medium, Eric Heisserer's disturbing epistolary story The Dionea House is one of the most genuinely unnerving horror experiences I've had over the past few years. Starting here with correspondence between two old friends, we find out about an investigation into a strange house that seems to have an unnatural effect on anyone who enters. Told across email and SMS messages to a very disturbing conclusion, the story then expands from this original website to other blogs that continue the story.

This is a tale that gets under your skin, that evolves into something more unnerving as it develops, and like Nightmare House 2 it takes full advantage of its medium to deliver a completely unique experience. Heisserer used this to launch his screenwriting career in 2005, after it became popular, selling it to Warner Bros where it was ultimately never made, but that's fine - it's basically perfect as it is online, with the only sad note being that it ends.

Thursday Rundown

2010-08-26T12:30:00.000+08:00


It's been a long time. How have you been? I've been really busy being dead. You know.. after you murdered me. Okay, look, we both said a lot of things that you are going to regret. But I think we should put our differences behind us. For science. You monster.

For the Week of the 22nd August 2010 - 28th August 2010

Film Releases: Piranha 3D (Wide), Vampires Suck (Wide), The Killer Inside Me (Festival), Boy (Festival), Avatar: Special Edition (No)

Notable Video Game Releases: Mafia 2 (360, PS3, PC), Grease (Wii, NDS)

Rock Band Releases: Disturbed Pack 3 (Asylum, The Animal, Another Way to Die), Universal Mowtown Republic Pack 1 (Crash Kings - Mountain Man, Veer Union - Seasons, We Are The Fallen - Bury Me Alive)

Pizza of the Week: Deep Pan, Tomato Sauce, Mozarella Cheese, Ham, Shredded Bacon Rasher, Shredded Cotto, Feta Cheese, Chilli Flakes

Zero Punctuation: Transformers: War for Cybertron

The Big Weekend aka Bored-erlands

2010-08-23T11:52:00.000+08:00

Busy weekend!! Lunch with family, dinners with friends, plenty of movies, new games and old games. Also voting. More on that later. On Friday the group of friends I regularly game with started up on Borderlands, cheap from last week's Steam sale, to varying degrees of success. Borderlands has a great style, with very unique art and an interesting sense of humor, but it's also essentially a MMO without a great online component. Much of the multiplayer doesn't really work: the way experience is divvied up is confusing, the voice component is basically broken, the missions don't work for all players, the story is non-existant - the latter is particularly annoying for me because I hate the gameplay of MMOs but a solid storyline will keep me interested. Borderlands' narrative and universe is flimsy at best, and the horrible levelling system reminds me of why I hate World of Warcraft and its crappy kin: one should be rewarded for being more skilled, not for being able to pour more hours into it. With WOW the better players aren't "better" at the game, they've just played it longer, like a second job for which the rewards are non-existent.* (Some friends-of-friends who have several young children still "find the time" to play hours of WOW a day. Jesus Christ, someone call the fucking social services.) Despite this, Borderlands does a pretty good job combining FPS with MMO elements and can be lots of fun to play, but the real win for me is the melee, which I adore in first-person games. The Brick character's special ability involves running around punching things while yelling, which is much more fun than the dubious gun combat. I can't imagine why anyone would want to play any other character in the thing.

Watched Beetle Juice for the first time, easily one of my favourite Burton movies. The definitive review is by Alex Jackson over here, breaking it down perfectly - I was really astonished by how unpleasant and dark the film is, not mainstream at all for a film that was a great success. The title character is extremely nasty (written as a rapist in the original script) and played to ugly perfection by Michael Keaton - one could imagine a 90's version featuring Jim Carrey in the role aimed at children, but instead that character is horrible in a ghastly film where death is just as confusing as life - with no one really having any idea what's going on - and the preceedings are both scary and hilarious, often at the same time. I really appreciated the protagonists' desire for a family, for children, fulfilled at the end with surrogacy that finds hope in the chaos but avoids becoming melodramatic. The performances, art design and music are also excellent - overall a fantastic film.

Good news for idiots - there's a sequel to The Secret coming! For the uninformed, please read this, the definitive review of the insipid (but highly profitable!!!) original.

RM directed me to this fantastic portion of the Daily Show in which Jon Stewart uses Fox News' own half-assed logic to demonstrate that Fox News is a terrorist command centre - now that it's likely that we'll get a fucking-goddamn Conservative government back in power this sort of thing is must-watch. (Click that link for the very best commentary on this year's election. There's honestly nothing else to say about the entire stupid event.)

Actually, there's one thing I should bring up - this article over on Cracked.com about The Sancitity of Marriage, as a hilarious retort to all the Prop-8 bullshit and Tony "HURRRR-FUTURE-PM-DORP" Abbott's stance on gay marriage.

Why do video game movies keep getting made?

Finished Kane & Lynch 2: Dog Days, review forthcoming, also took in a late night screening of Salt, which is better than it has any right to be. I like Outlaw Vern's take on it, but Ian Pugh weighs in strong too - I'm not nearly passionate enough about it to dedicate time to write, but I had a good time with the gloriously ridiculous first half (ghosts attacking the Vice President's funeral!!) and then the Baueristic second, even eventually taking to its incredibly-straining-oh-so-hard faux-emotion giving Angelina Jolie's character "pathos" and "motivation" (or exactly none of either).

* To be fair, WOW is actually reasonably well-written (despite its core genre issues) and has a reasonably good universe and style for something that is essentially artless. But that doesn't mean life isn't too short to play the stupid thing - there's a whole word of actual social interaction that one can take to including sex and drug abuse, not to mention other better games, and movies, and every goddamn thing, that WOW players miss out on by throwing away hundreds of dollars and thousands of hours. Time is actually pretty valuable, you see, maybe moreso than money, and you shouldn't want to throw that away.

HALLOWEEN II REVIEW

2010-08-20T13:22:00.002+08:00

HALLOWEEN II (2009)

* * * 1/2 (out of four)

Starring Scout Taylor-Compton, Malcolm McDowell, Tyler Mane, Sheri Moon Zombie
Written by Rob Zombie, based on characters by John Carpenter
Directed by Rob Zombie

The unexpected follow-up from Rob Zombie's maligned but actually ok Halloween remake is effectively an anti-slasher film: like the gloriously reprehensible Martyrs, Halloween II seeks to suck any "fun" one might take from the bloodshed, subverting the genre into brutal, uncomfortable, real territory. Two years have passed since indestructable golem Michael Myers (Tyler Mane) tore apart Haddonfield looking for something (a ghastly and unwatchable opening shows surgeons attending to the victim's wounds post-massacre in graphic detail, quickly positing this film as wanting to deal with the genuine wounds of an unimaginably traumatic event) and Laurie Strode (Scout Taylor-Compton) is a wreck, physically and psychologically. Taken in by friend-and-fellow-survivor Annie (Danielle Harris) and her father Sheriff Brackett (Brad Dourif), she is haunted by dreams of Michael's return, alongside images of dead Deborah Myers (Sheri Moon Zombie) and a white horse; dreams also shared by Michael, reimagined in his childhood state (Chase Wright Vanek) living within the behemoth taking orders from his deceased mother who wishes, on this Halloween, to bring the family home.

An effective, never-ending hospital nightmare subverts expectation away from a direct remake of the original sequel (Halloween II was the very definition of generic 80's slasher, all the more disappointing after the exceptional Carpenter original) while demonstrating director Zombie's chops at making a straight slasher. But Halloween II isn't interested in that: while the people around Laurie struggle with the real psychological fallout of the previous events (when was the last time you saw survivors of a film like this physically deformed?) she is psychically plagued by the deeply-felt trauma of her bloodline, as well as the eventual Angel Myers revelation and its implications on the loss of her friends and adopted family. Halloween II's imagery is loaded: Alex Jackson's reading of the white robe as white supremacist iconology identifies the film's ideology of family as superior and invincible against any opposing force, transforming the worthless "the white trash son of a stripper" Michael into a mythological beast - this (Zombie's) franchise' sole supernatural entity in a film entrenched in realism.

Like master directors David Cronenberg, David Lynch and Christopher Nolan, Zombie is in total control of everything onscreen: each kill is a cocktease, with the camera intentionally avoiding the carnage in favor of focusing on victim's suffering. (Faces twisted in pain and death, with begging and crying, are typically never focused upon in the genre - Martyrs again the exception proving the rule.) The few times Zombie's camera does show people's gruesome ends the violence is framed so brutally and savagely that the effect is repellent and unwatchable (the fast-cut of a teenager bashed into a tree contrasts sharply with the extended demise of a Man and His Stripper, with long detailed shots of fractures and smashed faces to nauseate - Gasper Noé would be proud). Consider that in the most devastating scene of all none of the violence is actually seen: instead, the slow revelation of the aftermath, confirming the family member's worst fears, is cut with old 8mm footage of the victim as a child, innocent and free. It's the kind of genre deconstruction that makes Halloween II exceptional - it's pretty fucking far from a "good time at the movies," and exactly as it should be.

Growing as a filmmaker from his student-film-amateurish House of 1000 Corpses, Zombie cuts himself off whole from the 70's-hillbilly-grindhouse horror that's made him famous hacking away at dirty southerners and strip club owners, at the same time affirming that the world is a fucking reprehensible place, exemplified by a sickening Loomis (Malcolm McDowell). Kept away from the main preceedings up until the conclusion, he's a travelling millionaire author profiting from Michael's carnage as a novelty, his new book threatening to reveal Laurie's origin regardless of the fallout. The way the distasteful media treats and profits from such disaster is satired to an extreme, bolstered with every contrast between Loomis's successful excess and the victims trying to pick up the pieces of their broken lives (a book signing where a victim's father confronts Loomis is sensational; likewise a talk show segment with "Weird Al" Yankovic, making the obvious Austin Powers Myers gag in a way that is perfect). McDowell's performance is exceptional in a film full of exceptional performances, living up to Zombie's twisting of the original Loomis character into something much more offensive (a great idea that probably should have been obvious considering how ineffective Loomis was in the many, many films in the franchise). Brad Dourif's performance as the well-meaning but ultimately (sadly) ineffective patriach of the massacre-minted family is unforgettable: the heart at the centre of the film, he and the audience both share the knowledge that Myers will be back and the fear that his return will cost his family whatever remains of their lives. With Halloween II Rob Zombie made exactly the film he wanted to make, a completely separate beast to the original franchise (the infamous theme featured only during the credits, after a reprise of Love Hurts as a 'fuck you' to those offended by the musical choices of his remake) and there's so much going on in the film that its flaws are easily forgotten inamongst each clever, effective, tragic, vitriolic scene. Sadly overlooked, Halloween II is one of the best horror films in recent times and one of the best films of 2009.

Fox News: "Hurrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr"

2010-08-20T12:01:00.000+08:00


DERN VIDEO GAMES

Bless Fox News and their non-stop anti-intellectual conservative propoganda idiocy: they've rustled up the families of dead soldiers to engage in some good old fashioned moral panic about EA's upcoming Medal of Honor game, that allows you to play as - dun dun DUN!! - a Taliban soldier. Unlike any game ever made this allows you to play as the ENEMY OF US CITIZENS, an AFFRONT TO OUR YOUNG MEN WHO HAVE DIED FIGHTING OTHER PEOPLE'S WAR, clearly UNDER THE RULE OF UNPATRIOTIC MUSLIM BARACK OBAMA. There is NO WAY they could have better promoted what is, by all accounts, a completely forgettable attempt to cash in on the amazing Modern Warfare games. Nothing creates better moral panic than video games - just yesterday the parent of a friend was trying to convince her that video games cause autism. (I'm not even going to touch that one.) Ass Effect, anyone?

Thursday Rundown

2010-08-19T11:22:00.000+08:00

Find below my reviews of The Expendables and Scott Pilgrim vs. the World, not the most enjoyable day at the movies but it could have been much worse. The rest of my Tuesday fared better - I finished the amazing Red Dead Redemption, one of the best games of the year and with an ending that had more impact than either of the two films could have hoped for combined. Film Freak Central's other critic, Ian Pugh, also a twenty-something film critic who plays video games, weighed in on Scott Pilgrim bringing up something I didn't: that said film's "juvenile, masturbatory fan-crap" was precisely the reason Roger Ebert gives video games a hard time. It's an excellent point: in Scott Pilgrim vs. the World, video games are stuck in an immature rudimentary 8-bit era, to be approached only with schadenfreude instead of any kind of mature, introspective analysis. (Ha ha, it's funny when beaten foes explode in coins because that doesn't happen in real life! At least, it was kind of funny. The first time. Not so much the second, the third, so on. Non-stop painful repetition: just another way Scott Pilgrim is half-assed.) A game brimming with ideas, with smart characters and satire and genuinely effective tragedy like Red Dead Redemption is far out of the reach of Scott Pilgrim, and subsequently Roger Ebert.

More information on BioShock Infinite, direct from the source - this sounds better and better. Video games dealing with race and racism (without becoming Blood on the Sand) are extremely rare - the aforementioned Red Dead Redemption perfectly captures a similar era - and its discrimination - to that which BioShock Infinite will be set, but with an entirely different take on it. I am unbelievably excited.

Christmas.

It's also Kane & Lynch 2 day today - Dog Days finally sees release worldwide. The main draw aside from the continuing story of the medicated psychopath and his scarred-up friend is the unique and effective style, in which the game appears to be shot as a documentary on a very cheap mobile phone, complete with nasty mpeg artefacts, screen tearing and digital pixellation (a very effective way to hide the nastier scenes of mutilation, all of which are somehow worse when suddenly hidden). All of the bizarre marketing for this game (some of which actually screened before the films I saw on Tuesday) looks like weird security camera footage, or excerpts from the most horrifying crime doco ever shot. I'll be taking to this over the weekend, but for now we can enjoy Jeff Gerstmann's review over on Giant Bomb, a site inadvertantly spawned by the original game. Jeff Gerstmann's review is excellent - smart, balanced and fair, he's actually been following the sequel and rooting for it since it was announced, and was happy to give it an honest review.. This is the reason why the Game Journalists Are Incompetent Fuckwits blog gave Giant Bomb such a rare and high recommendation - Jeff, Ryan, Brad and Vinnie are in a class of their own.

For the Week of the 15th August 2010 - 21st August 2010

Film Releases: 4.3.2.1 (Festival), Cairo Time (Festival), Matching Jack (Festival), Salt (Wide)

Notable Video Game Releases: Kane & Lynch 2: Dog Days (360, PS3, PC)

Rock Band Releases: The Black Keys Pack 1 (Strange Times, I Got Mine, Your Touch), Neon Trees Pack 1 (Animal, Sins of My Youth, 1983)

Zero Punctuation: Split/Second Velocity

THE EXPENDABLES & SCOTT PILGRIM VS THE WORLD REVIEW

2010-08-18T16:13:00.001+08:00

THE EXPENDABLES (2010)

* * (out of four)

Starring Sylvester Stallone, Jason Statham, Jet Li
Written by Sylvester Stallone and David Callaham
Directed by Sylvester Stallone

SCOTT PILGRIM VS.
THE WORLD (2010)

1/2 * (out of four)

Starring Michael Cera, Mary Elizabeth Winstead
Written by Edgar Wright and Michael Bacall; based on the
graphic novels by Bryan Lee O'Malley
Directed by Edgar Wright

The Expendables isn't the big 80's action throwback that many were waiting for, and perhaps the lack of 80's technique is what encumbers it the most: flash-cuts over long takes, CG blood over practical effects, The Expendables dabbles too much in Michael-Bay-brand epilepsy (what esteemed critic Outlaw Vern refers to as "post-action") which doesn't do its threadbare plot any favors. Sylvester Stallone is Barney Ross, heading an ensemble team of modern and past action icons (Jason Statham, Jet Li, Dolph Lundgren, Terry Crews?) into a tropical island ruled by a dictator (Dexter's awful David Zayas). Sly's pet project (also writing/directing) opens on a flaccid high seas hostage situation gone wrong, concluding with a firefight staged impotently in infrared before heading back to mainland America, where Statham's girlfriend Lacy (Charisma Carpenter, still gorgeous at forty) has left him due to a lack of communication. Lots of backslapping and ball-breaking back at the tattoo parlour where the gang congregates parades the empty masculinity that the film should be celebrating but isn't really about before the real plot is set in motion by covert Mr. Church (Bruce Willis), who wants to take the gang Off The Map to overthrow said evil dictator - naturally a puppet for the real enemy, ex-CIA zepplin James Monroe (Eric Roberts).

Past the contrivance-trope-ridden plot, The Expendables wants to blow shit up real good, and has the honour of being the most ear-shattering film of 2010 so far. Several stand-out sequences such as an air assault against a small army positioned on a dock and a smaller scale squad disarming excite inamongst the post-action monotony (most horribly epitomized by a completely incoherent car chase in the middle of the film) but its centrepiece isn't one of its big bad action set pieces, rather a dialogue-driven scene in which arguably the three biggest 80's action icons - Sly, Bruce Willis and the Governator - rip, jive and break each other's balls. Its awareness of its own heritage is played respectfully for laughs, and goes beyond mere exchanges. The cast of action "who's who" all get their own moments, leaving them not wasted but sadly underutilized: Li gets several martial arts sequences (post-action again), Mickey Rourke gets to act (albeit briefly, and doing what he can with recycled material), Terry Crews throws an exploding "football", Eric Roberts plays a creep, and "Stone Cold" Steve Austin gets to clock a woman in the face; but none are developed beyond their cliché. Li in particular gets tossed around figuratively and literally, possibly avoiding racism in the vein of 80's ignorance and by having him hold his own, but not really. Statham's character is the only shown in any kind of real relationship, on the brink because of his lizard-brain drive (reminding of that gag about real life action heroes accidentally ripping doors off hinges wherever they go) which is unfortunately not capitalised on; likewise the bizarre epilogue in which characters ride away on motorbikes - for some reason - reveals itself awash with cluelessness.

What saves the film from being soulless is its suggestion that those who have lost all cause, who have sunk to fighting for nothing, can still find hope in fighting for those with belief, as exemplified in non-femme-fatale Sandra (Gisele Itié, unexceptional in looks and talent). Within her character's arc (the only character in the film to undergo fairly intense torture) find not only post-9/11 nihilism objected to in a battle against apathy, but also an appreciation of art, as contrasted to money-driven Final Boss Monroe, possibly a sly attack on the profitable Michael Bay Brand offensive horseshit the film's unfortunate action seems to mimic. The Expendables is a mess, but it doesn't outstay its welcome and delivers on the slim promise of a few good action scenes and a few interesting ideas, which is better than most in a genre now dominated by unwatchable post-action flicks.

And then there's Scott Pilgrim vs. the World, a pointless, borderline-unwatchable exercise in pop culture half-assery. Style over substance finds exaggerated video game effects and pixellation masking an undercooked story about twenty-something loser Scott (Michael Cera) instantly falling in love with alternative Ramona (Mary Elizabeth Winstead) and having to duel seven of her evil exes in jarring over-the-top CG-aided "battles" (supposedly taking inspiration from "them dern video games" but looking much shittier and nonsensicle than anything I've ever played) before he can get the girl. Frequent video game shout-outs are akin to Family Guy non-sequiters: a reward for spotting the reference, and nothing else. Without anything at all to say, they're just as meaningless as the rest of the film.

Michael Cera as Michael Cera is the perfect avatar for the audience who will eat up this junk: awkward, unattractive, uncharismatic, unemployable, unintelligent, and an asshole to boot. (This is not me making judgments: the film comes to the same conclusion when, in the terrible finale, instead of battling his own personal Shadow Link they become great pals.) At the beginning Scott is dating high school Asian stereotype Knives (Ellen Wong), who spends the first two thirds of the film being shat on before redeeming herself as a ninja in a fairly offensive ending. Soon enough he catches wind of Ramona (who's never developed as a real character either, beginning and closing the film as a piece of ass with anime hair) and cheats on Knives, subsequently having to break up with her in a predictably pathetic sequence in which we're somehow supposed to side with him even though the film luckily cuts away from her pain to creepy dream-like images of Ramona. Their relationship drears along with every exchange by him as interesting/exciting as shredded wheat, occasionally broken up by the badly shot/choreographed/animated fight sequences. Best not to mention Scott's lame bandmates (including Scott's other ex, the "ugly" "freckled" Alison Pill: again, not me making judgments as much as the asshole film) existing as an unpleasant gag about how much better Scott is - for, I dunno, some reason? - nor Scott's painfully gay roommate, with whom he wakes up with every morning alongside several other fags, because the only thing funnier than how lame those queers are is that Scott's lamer - he shares a bed with them! (All of them!) Hi-yuck!

You could read Scott Pilgrim vs. the World internal abyss (and sexism, racism, homophobia, etc.) as a kind of self-aware post-modernism, but that doesn't mean it isn't worthless. Despite having a budding, struggling relationship at its core surrounded by video game window dressing there's no satire here about how life is or isn't like a video game, no ideas about actual human emotion (Ramona does absolutely nothing to win Scott's interest, nor does he do anything worthwhile to end up in her bed - the perfect fantasy for virginal fanboy losers) ditto any subtext about how Scott facing Ramona's ex-partners is a metaphor for dealing with jealousy over past loves is briefly alluded to then lost in the pixelated fray. Everything about this film is half-assed, and worse, despite its non-stop flashing lights and non-diegetic sound effects and strange callouts to Seinfeld, it's incredibly boring, dragging across its two hour running time. It appeals to that selective audience of jackasses that jackass Armond White describes as "hipsters" - who will identify with and laud the titular title character as a hero despite really having nothing redeeming whatsoever -and is completely impenetrable to anyone who knows better. It's not that I don't get it, it's that I get it completely, and it completely sucks.

Bombs and Satellites

2010-08-16T14:27:00.000+08:00

It's been over a week since Prop 8 was overturned and the Huffington Post chimed in with this series of hilarious anti-gay protestors getting the shaft. Awesome!

Also from the Huffington Post - Positive Graffiti: The Most Uplifting Vandalism Ever and Indisputable Proof That Bears Are The Best. The latter strikes a chord with me, obviously.

I'm surprised that Christopher Hitchen's cancer diagnosis continues to make waves in the media, because apparently his eventual death proves that religious people were right after all. (I guess before he became a vocal atheist, he was immortal.) Anyway, Roger Ebert wrote a fantastic blog post about the man, who himself weighed in on the Ground Zero Mosque controversy. Both are must-read.

Infinite

2010-08-13T11:12:00.000+08:00

Wow - BioShock Infinite. This seemingly came out of nowhere, Irrational Games and Ken Levine's secret project; that announcement trailer is amazing, complete with startling images of the new game's sky setting, an opening with clever misdirection to the original game, splendid allusions to the now iconic Big Daddys and Little Sisters, and all steeped in that aggressive "I want you" Americanism that defined the USA across the first half of the 20th century. More information here - there's nothing I'm looking forward to more than this.

Also in announcements, the follow-up to 2009's amazing Batman: Arkham Asylum has been named: Arkham City. I'm not overly fond of the name, but more interesting is this hidden tidbit from the original game, a secret room completely obscured from every guide, every map and every gamer until now. Hidden in Quincy Sharp's office is a room with a blueprint detailing his proposed "Arkham City" laid out over a map of Gotham. The wall that must be destroyed to get inside does not appear to be breakable and requires at least three explosives to get through, and getting into the room does not add to the full percentage completion of the game and has no achievements attached. It's an awesome easter egg in an already phenomenal game that suggests there was planning on the sequel long before the original game was a success.

Chew-bach-a.

Another announcement - arguably last year's best game, Modern Warfare 2, sees its Infinity-Ward-less follow up this year with Black Ops. The amazing super-duper Prestige Edition for MW2 came with working night vision goggles that I absolutely adore (as well as a Soap McTavish bust to wear them when I'm not). This year, they're doing it again - the stupid Black Ops Prestige Edition features, wait for it, a working RC-XD car with audio-video surveillance. I was not interested in this stupid thing until I saw that the audio-video surveillance actually works. Shit. If I preorder this thing, I feel like I'm rewarding Activision for being jerks, but on the other hand, working goddamn RC-XD car!!

Some great reading for video game fans - a review of Yakuza 3 by actual Yakuza.

Also in announcements - what you've all been waiting for, coming soon!!

It's a sad week that sees American TV movie review show At The Movies come to an end after a 35-year-run. Here's a great rundown of ten classic reviews - this was never broadcast in Australia so I've never seen it as it was originally on TV, but for a decade I've been watching it online when possible, with nearly the entire run available officially and on YouTube. Although I don't think any of the critics featured are especially good (especially not Richard Roeper), much like Australia's At The Movies with Margaret Pomeranz and David Stratton the discussion is what makes it interesting, and with most of today's "film criticism" tantamount to promotion these shows are still very important.

The Galaxy - scientifically accurate.

Following up from earlier this week, here's a fantastic message for those praying for the death of Christopher Hitchens.

And finally, somehow, Sarah Silverman tweeted this - "NEW FEMINIST We no longer need men to treat us equally. We need women to treat each other less shitty."

Thursday Rundown

2010-08-12T17:25:00.000+08:00

INCEPTION.

For the Week of the 8th August 2010 - 14th August 2010

Film Releases: Everlasting Moments (Wide), Scott Pilgrim vs the World (Wide), Splice (Festival), The Expendables (Wide), The Ghost Writer (Festival)

Notable Video Game Releases: Madden NFL 11 (PS2, Wii, 360, PS3), Pirates of the Caribbean: Armada of the Damned (PC, 360, PS3), R.U.S.E. (PC, 360, PS3), *Saw 2: Flesh and Bone (360, PS3) *Scribblenauts 2 (DS)

Rock Band Releases: Ministry Pack 2 (Jesus Built My Hotrod, Stigmata, Thieves)

Zero Punctuation: Shadow of the Colossus

* Supposed official release dates - may have been recorded incorrectly

Two important reads

2010-08-11T10:40:00.000+08:00

Much ado has been made over Christopher Hitchen's cancer diagnosis, especially in the wake of his recent and excellent Hitch-22; contrasting the expected hysteria from his detractors, Hitchens has retained his intelligence, wit and outlook against every different response to this news. "Why not me?" indeed - hardly cosmic comeuppance, he correctly takes a tolerant and respectful view of what is merely an example of inescapable chaos and inescapable mortality. Like friend Richard Dawkins, the real subject of this post, he doesn't antagonise any opposition, even those who'd take pleasure in his inevitable demise, rather letting those who pray for his end reflect badly upon themselves, and taking those who pray for his life and/or soul as a kind gesture. Hitchens remains a role model for us all, and when he eventually does expire, may he rest in peace.

The two important articles I wish to direct attention to come from Dawkins - the first is currently making the rounds, in which Dawkins himself refers to the burka as something reprehensible and comparable to a bin liner, but not something that should be banned. Making the important distinction between something that revolts him (as it well should us all) and something that should be banned is important - the solution to the problem of oppresive & dangerous faiths (arguably all of them), particularly those that are oppressive of women (arguably all of them), is education, so that people who would fall victim/prey to ill-thinking are able to walk tall out of it, of their own choice, their own decision. (Dawkins frequently acknowledges the difficulty of doing this, especially in regard to fundamentalist Muslim faiths in which exhile is synonymous with death, with extremely horrific acts like honour killings taking place.)

But beyond all this, the actual reason we should be so appalled by the burka and everything it represents is elaborated upon in the second article, which is unfortunately about female genital mutilation in Britain, and is a must-read.

P.S. Lost still sucks

2010-08-09T14:34:00.000+08:00

Another busy weekend to close out a busy week. (Picture in honour of Nathan's birthday party and departure from work.) Towards the end of last week watched The Karate Kid - the original, not the new Smith-kid vehicle - which holds up incredibly well. Follow the link to Walter Chaw's excellent coverage of the entire series - especially interesting is the discussion of race, which the film handles incredibly well.

The 12-minute Lost sequel, coming soon to the upcoming DVD/BD release, has leaked online and is pretty much exactly what you'd expect: it answers a few questions in a way that's completely devoid of imagination, then ends in such a way as to remind why we should have all given up on the show years ago. Namaste, Craphole Island.

On a related note, finished Singularity mid-weekend, review upcoming. The most notable thing about it is that towards the end of the game there are a series of Easter Eggs suggesting that the whole game takes place on the Lost Island, no joke.

Other weekend viewing - fantastic Jonathan Creek Christmas Special and more Dragon Ball Z, both for upcoming review on MichaelDVD.

Thursday Rundown

2010-08-05T12:49:00.000+08:00

Alright! Let's try this again.

Your music video of the ~~week~~ year is the amazing I Feel Better by Hot Chip. Seriously, go watch it. A glorious, bizarre, dadaist subversion of cliché boy band garbage. (The actual Hot Chip are in the audience.)

I've had so many people link me to this over the past year, but it's a fairly important read so I'll go it here (and in the future FAQ as well) - Moff's Law. Exactly the reason why it's never just a movie, just a book, just a poem, just a video game, just a play. Important food for thought.

On a related note, there was so much discussion following Roger Ebert's sour, misinformed declaration that video games could never be art that it was somewhat disappointing to see him later withdraw the statement, for the very reasons discussed in this essential article on Joystick Division. In a year that has been basically disasterous for film but magnificent for video games (I still call the incredibly fucked Heavy Rain my favourite narrative experience of the year, and then there's Mass Effect 2, Red Dead Redemption, and so on) vocal supporters of video games as a narrative (or other) artform have been very welcome. Not necessarily as to convince others (Ebert himself states that he's never actually played a video game, rendering his entire argument akin to an illiterate claiming novels worthless) but to show how much we, the audience, the people who actively enjoy and engage with games, have matured from the very early rudimentary days of gaming, and how interested we are in intelligent and engaging product. We've been lucky over the past few years to receive a lot of fantastic video games that live up to what we want, that can go head-to-head with other mediums, but they're often buried inamongst the mass of worthless adolescent junk (and I say this as a person who thinks both Gears of War 2 and Halo 3 are exceptional, four-star products).

Experts are frequently wrong. More important food for thought.

Following the latest unpleasant news from America not worth linking to I came across this article of interest via PZ Myer's excellent blog - Schrödinger's Rapist. The concept is excellent, as is the guide itself, but the details fascinate me, like leaving the name and contact details of a date on a notepad next to the PC - just in case. That's the kind of thing my half of humanity never even has to consider.

For the Week of the 1st August 2010 - 7th August 2010

Film Releases: Step Up 3D (Wide), The Special Relationship (Festival)

Notable Video Game Releases: Castlevania: Harmony of Despair (360), Backbreaker (360, PS3), Dead or Alive: Paradise (PSP)

Rock Band Releases: Blondie - Rapture, DC Talk - Jesus Freak, The Decemberists - The Perfect Crime #2, Eagles of Death Metal - I Only Want You, Eels - Saturday Morning, Family Force 5 - Love Addict, KMFDM - Sturm & Drang, La Roux - Bulletproof

Zero Punctuation: DeathSpank & Limbo